The Rise and Fall of Chuck E. Cheese

Chuck E. Cheese.  Where a kid can be a kid.  This line haunts my thoughts after my visit to a birthday party there today, because it is no longer Mecca for every child I don't believe.  I am going to take a little time to explain to you the horrors I witnessed at the hands of a dude in a rat suit today.

First of all, it was originally "Showbiz Pizza".  Best place on Earth by far.  Eiffel Tower?  Nope.  Leaning Tower of Pisa?  Forget about it.  Grand Canyon?  A ditch.  Showbiz was where my brother and I ached every moment of our childhood to return.  An actual playground with a huge ball pit and cargo net used to escape the ball pit.  Slide of course.  Arcade games, ski ball, and tons of stuff to play on.  The pizza was delicious and you had a gorilla, "Fatz", sing to you as you ate.  Shangri-la has nothing on this place for a child in the eighties.  If any of you were alive back then, you can relate.

I walk in to this impostor's palace of lies and what do I see?  Certainly not a ball pit.  No cargo netting.  You used to be able to watch Fatz and his band light up the stage with their antics in a separate room to make it feel like you were actually in a concert.....a gorilla-led concert.  Nope.  The concert area is now joined with the arcade, so now the sounds of the games would drown out Fatz....IF HE EVEN SANG ANYMORE.  Fatz didnt even speak...much less sing.  There was no animatronic variety show.  All that was now replaced by a moron in a rat suit and his "helpers" (Chuck E. Cheese employees who seem a little less than thrilled to be there).  Sure, Fatz is still there, but he just moves silently, kind of like someone had stolen his soul.  He is doomed to forever play the piano without telling jokes, singing or even conversing with his bird friend with pom-pom hair.  For shame Chuck. 

The pizza was mediocre at best.  Poor showmanship by mr. Chuck.  "Animatronic, soulless shells of what they used to be" robots playing along to the new piper, Chuck.  I was appalled.  Not because of the poor show, however.  The kids had a blast.  I was upset, because I knew in my heart how much fun they COULD have been having if they had been born before people cared about child safety.  We used to roll around in that ball pit for hours.  Just swimming in vomit and urine.  We didn't care.  I would hide in wait under the balls, just waiting for my brother or any other unsuspecting child to come wading by, then.......BAM!  I popped out like a ball pit ninja, blasting them in the face with a multi-colored spray of plastic death.  So much fun.

I was happy to see that my ski ball skills had improved since my last visit, 20 years ago.  Tokens seem to last a lot longer when you don't suck.  Josh and I would blow through tokens like there was no tomorrow.  I was also happy to see that video games no longer require 2-4 tokens per game.  Even Chuck E. knows there is a recession on, and he feels for the kids.  Still 4 tokens for a dollar.....but each game is only 1 token!  Thanks Chuck!  Also, they have this booth kids can get in that shoots tickets around like the car dealerships have for people to grab as much money as they can.  Tickets fly everywhere.  Bless the little kids' hearts.  Their hands are too small to grab more than 10.  In my stupid mind, I developed a strategy, thinking maybe someday I might find myself in that booth and I would have all the tickets to myself. 

In summation, we miss you Fatz.  I want my child to be able to hear him sing.  I want children of all races and creeds and ages to know that big monkey's booming voice.  Alas, it is not to be.  He is forever silent.  That stinking rat has the mic now, and he is blowing it.

Here is what it used to look like!!

And here is a video of the old showbiz show!