Diner's License

Ok, being a restaurant manager, I feel like I have an obligation to the entire world to make this post.  This will be a very informative read.  Take it.  Learn it.  Apply it.  You will get better service from happier servers.  It might not make your food taste any better, but you will be enriching the lives of people in the food service industry.  You don't like when idiots mess with you at your job right?  Right.  Here we go.

#1.  When you enter a restaurant, please stop at the hostess stand.  Do not pass the hostess stand, ignore the girls (or guys sometimes) at the door and then wander aimlessly around the restaurant like no one will help you.  Your help is behind you....you passed it on the way in.  Do you enter a hospital and pass reception and wander around looking for doctors?  No?  Then don't do it here.

#2.  When speaking to your hostess, correctly quote how many people WILL be coming.  Not how many people you hope will come....not how many people you think might come.  We need an accurate head count.  Don't say 11 when you know it will be 6.  That steals space from the restaurant and in my opinion, we should charge for unused seats.  Only makes sense.

#3.  Don't order a water with another beverage unless you really intend on drinking the water.  Too many times waters are left FULL on the table after you have drank 7 diet cokes.  You are wasting your server's time he/she could be spending serving you.  You aren't going to drink the water too.  Don't order it.

#4.  READ THE MENU.  If you order something that has something you don't like on it, and you don't say to leave that off, then it is your fault that it comes on there.  Read the menu...it is very helpful.  The restaurant is in no way obligated to give you ANOTHER dish because you didn't read that pecans come in your chicken salad.  Whether you eat it or not, you should have to pay for it.

#5.  Say you get your entree, and you don't like it.  SORRY!  My obligation with your food ends when it hits the table if it was made correctly.  You don't like the way your chicken parmesian tastes?  TOO BAD!  If you would like something else, you must pay for something else.  Want to try everything on the menu?  Ryans is right down the road.  They encourage that kind of retarded behavior.  We do not.

#6.  If you order an alcoholic drink you have never tried before, don't get upset when I make you pay for it when you don't quite like it.  You ordered it, my bartender made it to spec....DRINK IT.  Or don't, I don't care....you are paying for it anyway.  Whoever came up with this idea that if you don't like something, you shouldn't have to pay for it is insane.  I had to pay for the product, pay someone to make it, pay someone to serve it to you, and pay someone to wash the dish or glass.  Why on earth should I take it off your bill if you don't like it????  Try that at McDonald's and see if they don't laugh at you.  Oh, you'll not be returning to my establishment?  OH NO!  We won't miss your business.  Learn how to eat out before returning here, please.

#7.  If you need something from your server and someone else also needs something, please ask for it at the same time.  Don't wait until the server returns from one task to ask him/her to do another one.  This equals an aggravated server.

#8.  Extra condiments cost money.  Sorry.

#9.  If you are in a party of more than six, expect gratuity to be added.  Simple as that.

#10.  So you have finished your meal, and your server has done very well.  15% is not a good tip.  Ever.  In any situation.  15% should be given in cases where you have received the bare minimum in service.  If your server has done a great job, then 20-25% is not only prudent but it is expected.  These kids, and sometimes adults, only make $2 an hour.  $2 AN HOUR!  Do you understand this?  Not only that, but they have to put up with rude, mean, obnoxious people on a nightly basis.  Reward them for a job well done, because 15% says to a server that they did not do a good job.

There.  10 simple rules to use when dining out.  There are more nuances to the dining ritual, but these should get you started.  I have always thought a person should be made to obtain a "Diner's License" before being allowed to eat out.  There would be a written and practical test a person would have to pass in order to obtain one.  And your license would have to be shown to hostesses before being allowed entrance into the establishment.  If you don't pass?  Sorry, enjoy Burger King for the next 30 days before you are able to retake the test.  Drive-thru's don't require the license.